I think not.

In between finishing my masters and starting my job I had roughly three months to do nothing but watch daytime television and eat a bag of tortellini a day (rough break up okay).

As lazy as I am, I needed to find a temporary job to fill my time. I found a scoring job where I graded standardized tests for different states. I graded science tests from Kentucky, and English composition tests from across the Northeast. This is where I gained my Harry Potter knowledge as I refuse to read the books but these kids loved to write about Harry Potter.

There was also this book series called The Hunger Games, which I had never heard of (spring 2010) and some perplexing information coming out of these essays. So these kids fight one another to kill each other because the man says they have to? That was the gist of the papers. I gathered that we were in the future, and for entertainment purposes you must follow the orders of those in power and fight one another?

I graded over 1,000 papers. Most of them were confusing the point of Of Mice and Men, or using Harry Potter try an answer a question that had nothing to do with Harry Potter. A good chunk used the Hunger Games to answer the test questions. In the hundreds of papers I read on The Hunger Games, not one student even hinted at the theme of big government, social control, politics, big brother, class, any of those things that are broadcast as super important and what makes the book worthwhile in the academic setting.

After grading the papers, I had the same discomfort in my stomach that I did in ninth grade when I was forced to read Lord of the Flies. The idea of children killing other children, whether it is to signify class structure or societal evils, just doesn't sit well with me.

The schools that are taking students on a field trip to see The Hunger Games in the theatres...I think not. That does not sit well with me. Until we work on decreasing harassment and harsh bullying in schools, I think the viewing of a story with the premise of fighting to the death is best kept outside of academia.

I know there are plenty of students out there who can grasp the themes expressed in the book, and understand that it is just a movie...but there are so many more who just don't get the point and even their parents aren't able to explain to them what the book is supposed to represent.

I am a Hunger Games hater. Big time.

Gifts to myself.

I bought this dress on Sunday and am still debating if I want to keep it. I think it makes my chest look even bigger but I love the color. I also will have the sleeve sewn up so the material hangs and isn't an actual sleeve anymore. I'm thinking for a late June wedding I have...such difficult decisions I have to deal with.

The bridesmaid dress I am wearing in September is one shoulder so I need a strapless bikini top that actually has under wire in it and comes in my size. I am strongly thinking of ordering this Freya bikini with the matching ruffle bottoms because it fits all of my criteria. Hopefully this will all serve as some thinspiration for Operation: High School Skinny as well. 

Sin strap.

A huge gift to myself this Spring/Summer will be self-control and motivation in terms of portions and exercise. My thighs will be next to one another forever, they don't need to be hugging. So no more hugging thighs, and no more avoiding my jeans that are a little snug. They used to fit perfect. I have a beautiful pilates reformer in my bedroom that I need to use on a more regular basis. I will admit that I'm vain and I really just want to look good in a bathing suit for glamour shots that might end up on the interwebs.

 Here goes nothing...

The House of Mouse

Sorry if you have no heart and hate Disney World...this is the last discussion until the next time I go (and I have an annual pass muahahaha)

I love the Hall of Presidents and am not ashamed to admit I went to the first showing of the morning and loved every second of it.

I obviously needed to go to EPCOT and eat nachos in Mexico for lunch by myself while judging the 40ish couple next to me who WERE NOT EATING. We were sitting in the restaurant dining area, they were sitting next to one another and stroking each others legs. I really thought they were going to do it, right there, in the middle of Mexico. Get a room you two, or at least go on a ride and do it.

My flight home got delayed, I was terrified I would miss my connection and be forced stay in the Charlotte airport and get a flu shot forced upon me. We finally took off, sadly after I looked to my left and saw my seatmate DROOLING. I had to swallow the vomit I couldn't handle it. As we were taxing in I saw the C terminal and an open gate and figured we would end up there; my connection was leaving out of C11. Instead we went to D11 and I legitimately Home Alone-d my mad dash through the terminal to terminal C and got to my gate just as they were boarding. Andddd I had the whole row to myself for my flight home. So I obviously sprawled out and ate cotton candy like a fat cat. Meow.

And now it is 40 degrees out and I'm losing my tan. Rude.

Frandoms

-I am far too generous with my snack allowance and therefore Operation: High School Skinny will commence when I return home. Or Operation: prevent your thighs from touching when it gets hot out.

 

-I have the most bizarre tan lines on my back. The cross is to be expected as my bathing suit top crosses in the back, but my lower back is not tan? Perhaps my generous asset was blocking the sun when I was unsuccessfully trying to lay on my stomach. BORING. I need things to look at.

- I am going to have to unfollow you on twitter and the whole blog o world thing if all you do is try to sell me something. Get a freaking business account. I will probably follow that, but guess what, I will be expecting a link and purchase me purchase me every 20 minutes.

- There but for the grace of God go I....I get it. BUT COME ON PEOPLE WITH THE OUTFIT CHOICES AT DISNEY WORLD. Disney is not cheap. By any means. You can do it on a budget, but you still need some expendable income. So how come you can afford to go to Magic Kingdom and eat a giant nine dollar turkey leg, but you are wearing a stained, cut off t-shirt and ripped jorts? Go to Wal Mart, KMart, Target, the freaking Salvo and you will find clothes that are neither ripped, stained, nor cut off. One of those things that I just don't understand. I love me a good/obscene/hilarious outfit. You rock that girl and I will look, internally comment/tweet, and go on with my day. What throws me off is, not everyone is from Florida. So for most of the people at Disney World on a given day, you traveled some distance to be there. Which means you had to pack clothes to bring. So that means, at some point in this whole process you thought the cut off t shirt that said git r done with paint stains on it would be perfect for that Tuesday afternoon at EPCOT. END RANT.

-Why are men so creepy? I have a large bust, and I have lived with this problem since the sixth grade. When you are young (and slooty), male attention is exciting/weird/cool/what you think you want. As you get older, and become a spinster who has already named her fifteen dogs, you basically want to cry/hide in a closet/wear a moo moo when you go out in public. I very rarely wear anything that is form fitting (except for jeans- I got a fat ass and a small(er) waist so jeans have to fit my birthing hips) but when I'm by the pool and it is 87 degrees out, I'm going to wear a bathing suit. Due to the fact I have the most awkward shaped body in the universe, I have to wear two piece bathing suits. And due to the fact that my torso is approximately 4 inches long, my bust doesn't even come in U.S. sizes, and my bottom half does not match up with the top...I wear random pieces that I manage to find in all my various sizes. So I'm sitting by the pool, with my sunglasses on, enjoying the sun in my mismatched bikini. I am by no means Adriana Lima but the only muffin tops near me are the ones I shove in my mouth. AND I GET STARED AT. I get it, you are a dad, your wife looks gross, she popped out a few little brats and now you two aren't even remotely attracted to one another. BUT COME ON. It really bothered me when I was 14 (and looked like Pamela Anderson) because of the whole hiiii I'm 14 thing, and now I am just so beyond skeeved out I will throw a towel over my top half just to tan my face. Especially when there are kids around and you walk by and STARE. Newsflash: my sunglasses are not magical oh you must be blind glasses. 80% of all pool goers also have sunglasses on which means I CAN SEE YOU STARING.

 

- I've never been homesick in my entire life (but I have been foodsick...where you dream about amazing food from your hometown...do we sense a theme here?) but I always miss my dog when I'm on vacation. Not that he could go on space mountain or even be near people since he is a miserable wench, but I miss him ignoring me when I try and snuggle. Also, my sister dyed his beard and ears green and I missed it (with food coloring ASPCA don't worry).

 

My flight is at 7:05 pm which means I have a whole day to eat my way through Disney.

 

My layover is in Charlotte...last time I had a layover there they were giving out flu shots in the food court...pukeinmymouth (set to the tone of j*zz in my pants) (yea, jazz in my pants, you got it...).

That time I ate until I was sick (see: always)

I have an addictive personality. My family thanks little Christmas baby Jesus every single day I have no interest in trying drugs or I'd be in a ditch somewhere addicted to crystal meth.

Instead, I gorge myself on food until I basically want to throw up and/or cannot move. It is disgusting. I feel gross and feel like all of those obese Americans I constantly judge for eating ginormous turkey legs (can we tell I'm obsessed with Disney World?).

Wednesday I had oatmeal for breakfast. Nice, clean, filling oatmeal.

Then I walked to Downtown Disney where I consumed a Magner's at precisely noon and purchased a veggie sangie from Earl of Sandwich.

It started to rain so I headed into Goofy's Candy Store (not a safe place for me to be EVER) and purchased a red velvet cake pop and a bag of cotton candy.

 Walk back to my room, shove all food in mouth.

 With my food baby on full display I went to the pool. It started to rain so I sought cover by the pool bar.

Hello antioxidant sangria, will you make me skinny and pretty? Let me drink you even though the last time I drank sangria I threw up ON a bar.

 Rain = no pool so I headed back to the room to heat up the rice and veggie AND apple egg roll I bought Tuesday night in China.

Shovel in mouth.

I met my cousin at the House of Blues for dinner Wednesday night where I had the lobster mac and cheese (I'm lactose intolerant and should never ever in a millionybajilliony years eat cheese). But I did have a house salad to start.

Since I had a long walk back to the hotel I obviously felt the need to walk into Goofy's Candy Store and purchase a bag of bulk candy.

I love being on vacation but I also wish I was home so I could handcuff myself to my pilates reformer and eat heads of iceberg.

Basically this is just me crying about how I have zero self control and seeing how many people puke in their mouth after reading.

"Don't let the power go to your head"

I'm pretty sure all I do is complain about getting up early, yet I do things like book 6:00 am flights. My cab arrived at 4:00 am and whisked me away to Logan to stand in the security line even before the TSA opened the giant garage doors (when did they get those?) and get whacked with backpacks and rolling suitcases. People, you are not on vacation just yet, so normal rules about behaving in public still apply. Don't even get me started on the Red Sox/Patriots/Bruins apparel. You are traveling, do you think maybe you could wear your Pats polo instead of a ratty old Sox tshirt and a Bs hat? Or maybe wear an actual winning team...like the Yankees or Giants...yup I said it.

I did manage to snap this gem of a photo only because I could not fathom how this outfit could be comfortable. I usually wear flats, leggings, and a dress when I fly because I don't like things touching me/I don't like touching things. Girlfriend was rocking a tank top and booty shorts (it was 45 degrees out) at 4:30 am. I don't even know if they could be considered booty shorts, they were more like underwear...I know, I'm a horrible person, I don't know her back story....but you are really going to tell me you would not have questioned this outfit choice for traveling?

I finally got to the house of mouse, got on my sweet magical express bus full of screaming children and got to the resort around 10:00 am. Luckily my room was ready- thank jehovah because I needed to shower all the dirty airplane off of me and I got ready to meet my cousin and his new lady friend.

My cousin has never been lucky in love and I was pretty excited/scared to see who this new chick was.

She is 4' 9" so for once in my life I felt like a supermodel (I'm really modest/5'3" and a half).

I sent this text to my dad: JR's lady friend is 4'9". I looked super tall. Like Gulliver. And she was a Lilliputian.

To which he replied: U r so kind, don't let the power go to your head.

*I'm not sure if my Gulliver/Lilliputian reference is correct...I was supposed to read Gulliver's Travels for the Great Books: Early Modern Seminar I took my sophomore year but I was the only underclassman in it, philosophy is so not my thing, and basically I cried before every class/test/quiz/assignment.

Monday we spent the afternoon at MGM and eased into the whole getting to know one another thing. I am super awkward with guys, but even more so with girls. I'm not going to tell you I like your shirt just so you compliment me and I am hugely sarcastic, so it is difficult sometimes for me to meet girls and have them not immediately hate me (I probably hated you first, don't worry).

We had a great afternoon and dinner and she was very outgoing and funny which makes me happy for my cousin. (I kind of sound like I was on a date with her).

Tuesday I alternated between the pool and food. As a result I have some mean tan lines and a mean food baby. It's vacation betches I do what I want.

Today will be a nice hump day spent...laying by the pool.  

PUNCH IN FACE.

UGH Blogger why do you do me like this? Not publishing scheduled posts, drafting posts that should be published. RUDE. I would like to sincerely punch you and Disney wifi in the face.

Update: I'm in Orlando, at Disney World and will spend the entire day by the pool. Yup.